yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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