I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
