Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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