i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
