loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
