kristin has been a bad kristin
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
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Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
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He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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