I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
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