I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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