I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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