I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
