nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
