If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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