oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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