Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
