So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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