So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
