She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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