I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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