woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
