I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
