I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
