I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
