i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
dude i'm inner monologue high
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
