i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
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Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
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