don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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