I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
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I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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