I wish my penis had an off switch
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
thus making me awesome and them whores
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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