I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
