You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
