the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
