I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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