I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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