Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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