I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
