you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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