making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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