Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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