If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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