my sisters under your porch take her home
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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