Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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