she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My cat gives me a boner
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
