Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
