So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
So squirting runs in the family.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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