I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
