There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
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