I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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