My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Randomize
