As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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