I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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