we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
