Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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