i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
