Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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