My liver just broke up with me...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
