I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
