we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
